Turbulent Water

Broken and torn
Angry and confused
Reaching for something
And finding no refuge
I am alone at the edge
Waiting for a sign
Hoping for a way
To reach the other side
Desperately clinging
To the life I once knew
I am searching and slipping
Falling
           and
                grasping

Now the mountains cry out
The tracks reappear
I am holding on
And pushing back the tears
The sun rises
and I smile
Reaching up,
I turn and hear
The voice of the angel drawing me near
You are not alone
You are surrounded and loved
We will always be here
No need to feel untouched

Broken and torn
I am back in this place
Seemingly happy
I can find no peace
I forget all I know
And sink back into the caves
In darkness I tread
I am desperately clinging
All over again

(Disclaimer: This was written in about 10 minutes, so its rough and not good. I just wanted to get it out. It's cathartic for me.)

Blocked

Recently, I was told that in order to write again that I needed to choose a place that represented the pain I felt before I was blocked. Let me explain. I used to write a lot of poetry, mostly for myself, but I did write a lot. That was before my mom passed away three years ago. Since then, I have found it difficult to put pen to paper in that way. Even more odd, is that before mom passed, I was in what I would call a happy life. Nothing had gone horribly wrong. I was in school. I had my family and friends. Everything was hunky dory and yet the darkest parts of my soul came out in my writing. Yet, now, when everything is broken and torn, I cannot seem to write.

So that brings us back to this conversation. A wise man asked me if I ever felt things, heard words that called to my soul and terrified me. Well, honestly, his words terrified me, but I realized he was right. Whenever I would write I was always surprised and scared by the things that I had written. It was so odd to be writing such depressing work when I myself had no depression. So this man suggested that I find a place to write that represented my pain. He suggested an abandoned warehouse or place with awful smells to evoke my pain and feelings. I was completely scared by this and still am. Yet, this intrigues me. 

So for this weekend I am going to try and do that. I just wanted to post this update of my life and hope that by doing this I can get back to writing.

BYE!

-BP

Happy Am I: A Trip to Campamento

Back in March, I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Campamento, Honduras for a 10 day mission trip. You might be asking why are you just now writing about this? Well, if you know me then you know three things; 1. I procrastinate like no other, 2. It takes a long time to get my thoughts on paper, and 3. I am crazy busy. However, I am so excited to be sitting down and writing about this now.

On the trip, I went with 8 other team members from Landmark and Faulkner. This was only my second short term mission trip and I was so excited. I thought I knew what to expect, but I was wrong.

Campamento is a small town about two hours outside of the capital of Tegucigalpa. It is in the department of Olancho. It is centered beautifully in the middle of a forest of trees and mountain. Twenty thousand people live within Campamento. The town is known for its pine trees that are used for lumber and there is also a farm there used to raise tilapia.

Our team set out on Friday March 20th from Montgomery, AL at 2:30 in the morning. After two plane rides, a fast and bumpy van ride, and well over 12 hours of travelling we made it to Campamento. Donnie, the head of the school there and worker for CRF (Christian Relief Fund) met us and began the introduction. He let us know what all we would be doing, some logistical concerns, and some cultural customs to be aware of.

This trip was so eye opening in many ways spiritually and physically. I knew that I was going down to help people less fortunate than me, but I had no idea the impact it would have on me.

Instead of taking up 20 pages on this trip (which I could definitely do). I want to share with you the PowerPoint I created which documents our journey. I hope you enjoy and I also hope it inspires you to take a trip of your own and be the feet of Jesus!

Link to Honduras 2015 PowerPoint:
Honduras 2015

LOST

I am lost. Yeah you read that right...lost. LOST. I am only 24 years old and I am lost. Is it okay to feel like this? Is this normal? Where do I go from here? How do I handle all that God has laid out in front of me?
I don't want to sound like I am complaining, because trust me I realize how blessed I am. I have a job, I live in a beautiful city, I have amazing friends and family, and there are so many more blessings I could list. Yet, I am lost.
I feel like I have this spirit or this feeling, honestly I am not sure how to describe it, inside me begging me to get up and go. I have a vagabond spirit. I do not want to be tied down where I am.
I have lost a lot of inspiration. As you may notice I haven't posted in a while. I can't seem to find anything to talk about. In my life too I have become somewhat apathetic. I have been through this season before and honestly it is the worst feeling for me.
My day is okay. Church is okay. Small group is okay. Work is okay.
I have no major concern for what is happening in the world and that is probably the worst part.
Do you ever feel like this?

The above post was written a few months ago. I can say now that I am doing better and feel less "lost". However, I still have that urge to leave it all behind and just go.
So, for someone who has been through it before and is going through it again I have a few tips of how to get out of this "rut".

1. Ask God
I think the first and most important thing to do is to pray to God. Ask him to bring you out of this season and to take you out of this apathetic time.

2. Shake It Off
And no I don't mean listen to that Taylor Swift song, of course unless it helps :) What I mean is realize that this is not your identity. Though the weighed down almost bored with life feeling is there know that this is not a permanent thing. It's all in the mind, which leads me to my next point.

3. Force It Out
This way you are feeling is merely negative thoughts. As easily as those thoughts are in your mind you can push them out, Just as were instructed to take captive our thoughts you can do so with this feeling. So how do you force these thoughts out? Well that brings me to my next point.

3. Do Something 
Essentially, get off your butt! Make yourself busy. Find something to do. Whether its taking a walk, hanging out with friends, reading a book, or going to the movies. Get creative. Find something to do. The busier you are the easier your apathy goes away. And that leads me to my last idea.

5. Fake It 'Til You Make It
This idea fits in with number 4. Put a smile on your face and tell yourself you are happy and you will soon be. The more you tell yourself something the easier it is to believe it and the quicker it becomes true.

Guide Me

When I feel alone

and the darkness smothers me 

I am blinded

and fumbling through

There is no way out

Until your hand grabs mine

and leads me through

I don't know who you are

Until you speak

Suddenly I am not alone

Oh God! You hold me

In your arms I am safe

No longer alone

No more am I in the dark

I feel you beside me

with each and every step I take

I hear you inside me

My voice cries out your name

My savior! My Jesus!

You have freed me

Oh how I love you!

Bless you oh my father!

The Best of 2014

Last year around this time I gave you a post of my top TV, books, movies, music, etc of 2013. So I thought why not do the same for 2014. So here we go! Keep in mind these are my personal favorites and are based on my own opinion ;)

                             TV
     With its reemergence in November to Netflix, I have to pick:

#1 Gilmore Girls!

                                  #2 Arrow
                           (if not just for its mid-season finale!)

and since I have Arrow on here I definitely have to include my favorite leading man this year, Mr. Grant Gustin in...
                                    #3 The Flash

#4 HTGAWM

possibly Shonda Rimes greatest creation!

                        and my favorite comedy of the year goes to...
                                #5 Cristela

MOVIE

I saw a lot of movies this year, but four stick out in my mind

#1 Guardians of the Galaxy

I AM GROOT!

#2 The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

#3 The Maze Runner

with my hubby Dylan O'Brien ;)

  and last but not least

#4 The Fault in Our Stars

BOOKS

Now for books, it was much harder to choose. If you read my New Years Post in January you know that I made it a goal to read 50 books this year. Now, spoiler, I did not make that goal. However, I have read 28 books and that makes the task of narrowing down my favorites pretty hard. So here it goes:

#1 Under the Never Sky and Through the Ever Night

I am addicted to these books and NEED to read the next one!

#2 Unravel Me

I love Shatter Me, but this one takes the cake! I love Warner!

#3 TFIOS

                             

                     
               

#4 Killing Jesus

#5 City of Heavenly Fire

#6 The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

#7 Anthem

This was a reread, but I still loved it nonetheless 

 Music

#1 1989 by Taylor Swift

This whole album is amazing!

#2 Greater by MercyMe

#3 Fix My Eyes by For King & Country

#4 Jealous by Nick Jonas

#5 Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars

Let me know your favorites!

In a Perfect World...