Turbulent Water

Broken and torn
Angry and confused
Reaching for something
And finding no refuge
I am alone at the edge
Waiting for a sign
Hoping for a way
To reach the other side
Desperately clinging
To the life I once knew
I am searching and slipping
Falling
           and
                grasping

Now the mountains cry out
The tracks reappear
I am holding on
And pushing back the tears
The sun rises
and I smile
Reaching up,
I turn and hear
The voice of the angel drawing me near
You are not alone
You are surrounded and loved
We will always be here
No need to feel untouched

Broken and torn
I am back in this place
Seemingly happy
I can find no peace
I forget all I know
And sink back into the caves
In darkness I tread
I am desperately clinging
All over again

(Disclaimer: This was written in about 10 minutes, so its rough and not good. I just wanted to get it out. It's cathartic for me.)

Blocked

Recently, I was told that in order to write again that I needed to choose a place that represented the pain I felt before I was blocked. Let me explain. I used to write a lot of poetry, mostly for myself, but I did write a lot. That was before my mom passed away three years ago. Since then, I have found it difficult to put pen to paper in that way. Even more odd, is that before mom passed, I was in what I would call a happy life. Nothing had gone horribly wrong. I was in school. I had my family and friends. Everything was hunky dory and yet the darkest parts of my soul came out in my writing. Yet, now, when everything is broken and torn, I cannot seem to write.

So that brings us back to this conversation. A wise man asked me if I ever felt things, heard words that called to my soul and terrified me. Well, honestly, his words terrified me, but I realized he was right. Whenever I would write I was always surprised and scared by the things that I had written. It was so odd to be writing such depressing work when I myself had no depression. So this man suggested that I find a place to write that represented my pain. He suggested an abandoned warehouse or place with awful smells to evoke my pain and feelings. I was completely scared by this and still am. Yet, this intrigues me. 

So for this weekend I am going to try and do that. I just wanted to post this update of my life and hope that by doing this I can get back to writing.

BYE!

-BP

Happy Am I: A Trip to Campamento

Back in March, I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Campamento, Honduras for a 10 day mission trip. You might be asking why are you just now writing about this? Well, if you know me then you know three things; 1. I procrastinate like no other, 2. It takes a long time to get my thoughts on paper, and 3. I am crazy busy. However, I am so excited to be sitting down and writing about this now.

On the trip, I went with 8 other team members from Landmark and Faulkner. This was only my second short term mission trip and I was so excited. I thought I knew what to expect, but I was wrong.

Campamento is a small town about two hours outside of the capital of Tegucigalpa. It is in the department of Olancho. It is centered beautifully in the middle of a forest of trees and mountain. Twenty thousand people live within Campamento. The town is known for its pine trees that are used for lumber and there is also a farm there used to raise tilapia.

Our team set out on Friday March 20th from Montgomery, AL at 2:30 in the morning. After two plane rides, a fast and bumpy van ride, and well over 12 hours of travelling we made it to Campamento. Donnie, the head of the school there and worker for CRF (Christian Relief Fund) met us and began the introduction. He let us know what all we would be doing, some logistical concerns, and some cultural customs to be aware of.

This trip was so eye opening in many ways spiritually and physically. I knew that I was going down to help people less fortunate than me, but I had no idea the impact it would have on me.

Instead of taking up 20 pages on this trip (which I could definitely do). I want to share with you the PowerPoint I created which documents our journey. I hope you enjoy and I also hope it inspires you to take a trip of your own and be the feet of Jesus!

Link to Honduras 2015 PowerPoint:
Honduras 2015

LOST

I am lost. Yeah you read that right...lost. LOST. I am only 24 years old and I am lost. Is it okay to feel like this? Is this normal? Where do I go from here? How do I handle all that God has laid out in front of me?
I don't want to sound like I am complaining, because trust me I realize how blessed I am. I have a job, I live in a beautiful city, I have amazing friends and family, and there are so many more blessings I could list. Yet, I am lost.
I feel like I have this spirit or this feeling, honestly I am not sure how to describe it, inside me begging me to get up and go. I have a vagabond spirit. I do not want to be tied down where I am.
I have lost a lot of inspiration. As you may notice I haven't posted in a while. I can't seem to find anything to talk about. In my life too I have become somewhat apathetic. I have been through this season before and honestly it is the worst feeling for me.
My day is okay. Church is okay. Small group is okay. Work is okay.
I have no major concern for what is happening in the world and that is probably the worst part.
Do you ever feel like this?

The above post was written a few months ago. I can say now that I am doing better and feel less "lost". However, I still have that urge to leave it all behind and just go.
So, for someone who has been through it before and is going through it again I have a few tips of how to get out of this "rut".

1. Ask God
I think the first and most important thing to do is to pray to God. Ask him to bring you out of this season and to take you out of this apathetic time.

2. Shake It Off
And no I don't mean listen to that Taylor Swift song, of course unless it helps :) What I mean is realize that this is not your identity. Though the weighed down almost bored with life feeling is there know that this is not a permanent thing. It's all in the mind, which leads me to my next point.

3. Force It Out
This way you are feeling is merely negative thoughts. As easily as those thoughts are in your mind you can push them out, Just as were instructed to take captive our thoughts you can do so with this feeling. So how do you force these thoughts out? Well that brings me to my next point.

3. Do Something 
Essentially, get off your butt! Make yourself busy. Find something to do. Whether its taking a walk, hanging out with friends, reading a book, or going to the movies. Get creative. Find something to do. The busier you are the easier your apathy goes away. And that leads me to my last idea.

5. Fake It 'Til You Make It
This idea fits in with number 4. Put a smile on your face and tell yourself you are happy and you will soon be. The more you tell yourself something the easier it is to believe it and the quicker it becomes true.

Guide Me

When I feel alone

and the darkness smothers me 

I am blinded

and fumbling through

There is no way out

Until your hand grabs mine

and leads me through

I don't know who you are

Until you speak

Suddenly I am not alone

Oh God! You hold me

In your arms I am safe

No longer alone

No more am I in the dark

I feel you beside me

with each and every step I take

I hear you inside me

My voice cries out your name

My savior! My Jesus!

You have freed me

Oh how I love you!

Bless you oh my father!

The Best of 2014

Last year around this time I gave you a post of my top TV, books, movies, music, etc of 2013. So I thought why not do the same for 2014. So here we go! Keep in mind these are my personal favorites and are based on my own opinion ;)

                             TV
     With its reemergence in November to Netflix, I have to pick:

#1 Gilmore Girls!

                                  #2 Arrow
                           (if not just for its mid-season finale!)

and since I have Arrow on here I definitely have to include my favorite leading man this year, Mr. Grant Gustin in...
                                    #3 The Flash

#4 HTGAWM

possibly Shonda Rimes greatest creation!

                        and my favorite comedy of the year goes to...
                                #5 Cristela

MOVIE

I saw a lot of movies this year, but four stick out in my mind

#1 Guardians of the Galaxy

I AM GROOT!

#2 The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

#3 The Maze Runner

with my hubby Dylan O'Brien ;)

  and last but not least

#4 The Fault in Our Stars

BOOKS

Now for books, it was much harder to choose. If you read my New Years Post in January you know that I made it a goal to read 50 books this year. Now, spoiler, I did not make that goal. However, I have read 28 books and that makes the task of narrowing down my favorites pretty hard. So here it goes:

#1 Under the Never Sky and Through the Ever Night

I am addicted to these books and NEED to read the next one!

#2 Unravel Me

I love Shatter Me, but this one takes the cake! I love Warner!

#3 TFIOS

                             

                     
               

#4 Killing Jesus

#5 City of Heavenly Fire

#6 The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer

#7 Anthem

This was a reread, but I still loved it nonetheless 

 Music

#1 1989 by Taylor Swift

This whole album is amazing!

#2 Greater by MercyMe

#3 Fix My Eyes by For King & Country

#4 Jealous by Nick Jonas

#5 Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars

Let me know your favorites!

In a Perfect World...

Is it God's will?

This is a question that has been on my mind A LOT lately. What is God's will for my life? Is what I am pursuing His plan or mine? How do I tell the difference? Amazingly with this question on my mind, the past week's discussions with friends, mentors, and bible study groups have centered on this idea. It's amazing what God will put in front of you when you just ask.

So, with this burning question in my head, I thought I would take the time to jot down a few of my ideas on the subject and a few of my friend's ideas. There is no reason to take this post as the truth. I have been reading through some scripture and these are the conclusions I have come to. I only hope they can help you in some way. Also, note that this post is not the full extant of my thoughts on the subject. I could give you a post for just about each point I make and if you are interested in seeing that in the future, then let me know.

When it comes to God's plan for your life it is really easy to enter into freak out mode. The future is a scary mess of the unknown and when you plug in the idea of God and "achieving" Heaven then you can almost have a full on heart attack with all the worry you have stored up.

Now, before I get into what I think His will is for me or us, I first want to define what I mean by His will. I think we can all agree that our purpose in this world is to spread the Gospel (good news) of Jesus and all He has and will do for us. 

Mark 16:15-16, "And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned."

However it is hard to determine specifically what you are "supposed" to be doing for God, While, I have no answer yet, I do believe there are a few certain aspects you can look at to help you decide.

#1. Read His Word

I Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  Wow! How simple! God has plainly stated here what His will is for us. Get deep in God's word and you will find verses just like this one with God's will stated plainly for us.

#2. Recognize your Special Gift in God

I Corinthians 12: 4-11 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

 We all have a special gift that God has empowered us with. We are to search and figure out what that gift is and use it to glorify God. Figure out what you are gifted at and learn how you can use that to glorify God and further His kingdom.

 #3. Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Christianity is not popular. Christianity is not easy. Did Jesus seek out those who were Christian and doing the "right" thing? No. Who was Jesus' audience? The sinners. And likewise, these are the people to who we are to be ministering. God did not call us to sit comfortably in our church pew and worship Him only on Sunday. We are to STEP OUT for Him. 

#4. Stop Worrying and Pray

Don't worry, be happy. It's such  a simple statement, but probably the hardest to put into practice. I worry so much about my future, but I have come to realize that once I give it to God, then that worry vanishes. I pray to Him and I know that He has me in His hands and will always take care of me. 

#5. Be a DOER!

Now all that needs to be done is to DO! Go out and be the hands and feet of Jesus! Take you talents and use them to His glory. Get involved. Whether it be with a charity, within the church, school, etc. Just Do It! 

 James 1:22-25 puts it best, " But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."

Living out the Gospel

On Tuesday night, Landmark Campus Ministry (LCM) took a trip to Auburn to worship with the Auburn Christian Students at their PB&J Devotional. The idea here was to forgo eating out, eat the Pb&j sandwich, and donate the money you would have used on dinner to their fund that helps two orphans they sponsor in Kenya. At first, I wasn't sure if I should go because I had a major Hebrew quiz to study for, but how glad I am that I did! 

*As a side note, this blog is mostly coming from notes and thoughts I jotted down while listening so I apologize if it seems a little disorderly.*

The group had been studying Galatians and the speaker, Micah was starting in chapter 2:11-21. His topic was Living out the Gospel.

11 But when Cephas (Peter) came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. 13 And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. 14 But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?" 15 We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; 16 yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. 17 But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not! 18 For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. 19 For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.

The Gospel is not only the good news that we preach to others. The Gospel is something that impacts our lives and something we strive to live out daily. Micah began by giving us a few quotes from a fellow brother in Christ and leader that had the mindset that blacks and whites should not greet and acknowledge each other in church and so forth. He also mentioned a few other churches in this day and age that would not marry an interracial couple or even a black couple because of the controversy it may cause within the church. Micah mentioned that this mindset was foreign to Paul as is evident in Galatians 2. Micah spoke on these divisions and others that occur within the church and said that Paul makes these divisions a Gospel issue. 

In Galatians 2, Paul confronts Peter because he is not living out the Gospel. Peter is shown eating with the Gentiles, who have not been circumcised as according to the law, but when those who came from Jerusalem who did not believe the Gentiles were right, Peter began to withdraw from his feasting with them. He withdrew because of fear. By eating with them he was showing that God accepted these people even those who have not obeyed the law. Why was he afraid?, Micah asked. Well, we can only speculate, but maybe he was fearful of what it would do to his reputation with the Jews, maybe he had a fear of losing his influence, and maybe he was concerned about how he could convert Jews when he was sitting with the Gentiles. 

Peter has not changed his beliefs in this moment (he believes the Gentiles are accepted), but he changes his actions which makes him a hypocrite and that is exactly what Paul calls him. 

We are justified by God. Justified means how we become acceptable to God. Paul points that obeying the law is not acceptable enough to justify you. Trust and faith in Him justifies you. Jesus was obedient to God and through faith in Christ we are justified. We should accept people on the basis of God accepting them. What does your life communicate about the Gospel? You are accepted because Jesus did all the right things and you trust in Him. This is all that Paul said in response to Peter in Antioch. He does not give us the end of the story because maybe the people did not all agree with him. 

You can't just know the Gospel, You have to live it out! Romans 15:7, "Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God." 

In practice how does the Gospel affect who you accept as friends as brothers and sisters in Christ. Is your life communicating I accept people just as Christ accepts them. Do you hang out with those who are the same as you? If you took away the Christianity in your friend group, would you still have things in common socioeconomically, ethnically, and racially? It should not be this way. It should not be comfortable. Preferences, also, should not be a barrier. There should be forgiveness in your relationships as well. There is no time for grudges.

I found this lesson very interesting, especially since the past week it seems like church and my small groups and discussions with friends has centered around this very same topic. Even the very next day we had the discussion similar to this in Counsel (bible study group), where we discussed justice. Why do we treat people the way we do? Why is it so easy for me to look at myself and realize I am not perfect but look at someone else and blame their weaknesses on their selves and refuse to accept them just as Christ accepts them?  Matthew 5:38-48 instructs us how to treat others. How often do we read these verses and NOT carry them out? We seem to still carry out justice as society does. We put people in prison then refuse to help them reintegrate into society when their sentence is up. 

Is God's justice different than the world considers justice? YES! Isaiah 53:4-6 reads, 

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

  But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

  All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

Godly justice is this: The crime was punished and it is the intercessory nature of Christ; he takes on our punishment. We, as a society, have a miscarriage of justice. In I Peter 2:21-24, He trusted God to crucify him and to meet out justice. His mercy goes hand in hand with justice. Sometimes justice is as much about withholding as it is about punishing. For people to respect our beliefs we need to have Godly justice. This is where the recidivism of prisoners comes in as an example. We have one of the worst rates of recidivism in the world. We do not help them or accept them as Christ accepts them and do not help them to reenter into society. We are all sinners and Jesus’ blood was shed for EVERYONE.

EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. THIS. WORLD.

Jesus broke the laws of temporality on the cross, our sins were put on Him, and time cannot have mattered at that moment. When you sin that price has already been paid if you atone for it. We are so quick to use our faith as a tool against people. Why is it our nature to act with retaliation?

Galatians 5:2-6 says, "Look: I, Paul, say to you that if you accept circumcision, Christ will be of no advantage to you. 3 I testify again to every man who accepts circumcision that he is obligated to keep the whole law. 4 You are severed from Christ, you who would be justified by the law; you have fallen away from grace. 5 For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love."

We cannot keep the law perfectly and you cannot treat people like they can keep it perfectly as well. Why can't we live our lives in such a way that is fundamentally different it is noticed and people see that we are not like them and they want to be like us because of the way we live our lives? We need to give them the same redemption we want for ourselves.                   

Paleo: Day 1

So today begins the journey of something I thought I would never do: the Paleo diet. If you are unaware of what this is then you have been living under a rock. I am only joking, but seriously where have you been? When you think of Paleo, or at least when I think of it, I think of the paleolithic era, and that's exactly where this diet gets its structure. Basically if a caveman could not eat it, neither can you! Which, turns out, the cavemen actually ate a variety of food. As the website NerdFitness states the Homo Sapien back then was much more athletic, tall, muscular, agile, and versatile than the average Homo Sapien today and our genetics have not changed much since then. As stated, this diet allows for you to eat just about anything you want.

So what does this mean? Well, it means no grains, no sugars, and no processed foods. Pretty simple if you ask me. What is allowed in this diet? meat and fowl (grass fed), fish, eggs, vegetables, oils (natural ones), nuts, and tubers (sweet potato, etc.).

Now, why have I decided to take on this diet? Well, I am fairly happy with the way I look. Of course, like any woman I have my insecurities and would not mind losing a few pounds. However, the main reason I am doing this is for my health. My family has a long history of diabetes and heart problems among many other things. My mom died from a heart attack and my grandmother and grandfather had similar problems. Even I as a young 23 year old woman have begun to show signs of sugar problems. So, I thought it was about time I took charge of my life and did what I could to prolong it. I want to live the longest, healthiest life I can so that I can serve God to my fullest potential and find and help lost souls hopefully get to Heaven. I want to follow I Corinthians 10:31 (ESV):

 "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

I believe as well that there are many verses that support healthy eating and as I Corinthians 9:19-20 says my body is a temple of God and I was bought with a price and I should glorify Him with my body. 

Of course, that is not to say that I cannot indulge every now and then. As well, you will notice in the following blogs I am not following the Paleo diet fully. I know my body and my self-control and if I went cold turkey then I would soon fail at this lifestyle. So, I will be eating oatmeal in the morning some days and maybe a few other items here and there.

I wanted to blog this experience more for myself than anything so that I can keep myself on track and that I have a goal to set each day or week. I also hope that maybe this can show some people that it is not that hard or inspire someone to change a bad habit they may have. I am not sure how consistently I will be blogging, but I do want to catalog as many of my meals as I can. So, here it goes:

Paleo: Day 1

Breakfast: Overnight Oatmeal with cinnamon and dried tropical fruit and raisins
             What you need:
            - 1 cup oats
            - 1 cup almond milk
            -dried fruit
            -raisins
            -cinnamon to taste
Take your oats, milk (or water), and cinnamon and mix together in bowl. Put half of the mixture in Tupperware or mason jar. Sprinkle the dried fruit and raisins over the mixture. Repeat and layer as such. Keep in the fridge overnight for a yummy breakfast in the morning.

Lunch: Spinach salad with raisins, almonds, raspberries, and olive oil
            What you need:
           -1/2 cup spinach
           -almonds slivers
           - raspberries
           -raisins
           -olive oil to taste
Mix the spinach, almonds, raspberries, and raisins together in bowl. Drizzle with olive oil.



Dinner: Chicken with broccoli and eggplant fries
             What you need:
             - 1 boneless skinless harvest fed chicken
             - Handful of broccoli
             -eggplant
             -coconut oil
             -olive oil
             -salt
             -pepper
Cut your chicken into small pieces. Place in skillet with coconut oil. Brown the chicken, the add in broccoli. Salt to taste. Saute until broccoli is clear and tender. 

Cut the eggplant into medallions then cut into strips. Place on cooking sheet. Cover in olive and salt and pepper. Put in the over for about 20-25 minutes.

Drink: Water with white cherry flavor packet