Mama

I wrote this back in November, only two months after my mom died. Some feelings have changed but I still miss her everyday and I felt like sharing how I felt then. I still feel these things but not as intensely. I miss her so much, but I keep going because that is what she would have wanted. Here is my writing from November:

I'm sorry I wasn't there is what I think every time her face flashes across my mind. I only know what happened because of the stories daddy told me. She cried out for him he says. She said I'm going to die he told me. I cannot bear the thought of hearing her panic. She was always the strong one. She was the one to comfort us when we were sick. She held me and told me not to panic when I had my attacks. Now, where was I when she was panicking? I was here in Montgomery, conducting, what seems now, a silly meeting. Why wasn't I there for her? Why was I four hours away in her time of need? These are the questions I ask God daily. Why did he take my mother away so quickly and why wasn't I there when he did? 

November 20th marks two months since my mom died, not since she passed away, but since she died. I hate using euphemisms. I find them weak. My mom is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. So, why not say what really happened instead of covering up with pretty, flowery words. I've had people close to me die, but it was expected. They were older and close to death. My mom was only 61. I only had 21 years with her. She'll never get to see me graduate college, get married, or have kids.

Annelle Payne was my rock, in all the ways she could be. She was my shelter. She was my best friend. I told her everything and I mean everything. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about. She never made me feel stupid or even like I had no say in my own life. She let me be me and she loved me. 

Now that's she's gone I am afraid. I'm afraid of going on with my life. It feels like I'm putting on an act with everybody. I say all the right things and do all the right things when deep down I just want to scream. I just want to stop. I mean literally stop. 

Yesterday, I was driving down the road and I actually thought about purposefully running off the road. How crazy is that? Not because I want to die. I just want to feel something, anything. And school? Forget about it. Everything seems meaningless now. Stupid little arguments and who's dating who. Who cares? 

Everyday my heart races at the thought of her. I used to call her every single day at least three times. We would just talk about anything and everything. Mostly, I told her about my day. Now, every time I get a good grade or go out with a friend I want to call her. I want her to know about my day. 

How do you live without your best friend?

With my last semester coming up, I am feeling even more aware of the things she won't be there for. I am trying not to fall back into the anger I felt and hope to keep the understanding I've had these past few months. 

-Brittany

Summer To Do

For the summer, Brianna and I have compiled a list of fun and creative summer activities to do. I thought I'd share it with you. Maybe you can find something to do or give us more ideas. Hope you have a great summer!

Summer To Do List

Go camping

Go caving✅

Go to a fair

Ride a bike✅

Climb a tree

Pinterest project

Go to the beach

Go to a concert or two or three or four :)

Go thrift shopping✅

Buy something weird

Go to trade day✅

Go to flea market

Make a movie

Make a music video

Road trip

Go off the beaten path

Take Lexi to Mt. Cheaha

Eat sushi

Use a fake name at Starbucks

Go hiking

See a waterfall

Make s'mores

Have a water balloon fight

Go to a baseball game

Go to the farmer's market

Go to the park

Go see a movie or two or three or four :)

Lemonade stand

Have a sleepover with Lexi

Go bird watching

Have a picnic in a different state

Pick berries

Watch fireworks

Dance like no one's watching

Go to Montgomery for the weekend

Go clothes shopping

Go to a water park

Go fishing

Go bowling

Go crawdad fishing

Go swimming

Go to Indian caves

Go to etowah mound

Go to library/reading program

Go to balloon festival

Go to relay for life✅

Go to the drive in

What am I doing with my life?

Lately, I've been in a slump. I used to be really excited about my future. Now, I'm at a crossroads. I'm not sure what to do once I graduate in December. Do I stay home with my family during our time of loss? Do I go to graduate school, like I've been planning? Do I take a semester off? Do I stay to help get my sister back on her feet?

I have also been thinking about my decision to not go to Haiti this summer. I'm wondering if mission work is in my future. I'm not much to be sitting at a desk. I learned that much from my internship. The only thing I know is that I will be unhappy if I end up in an office job.

With all that said, I know that God is my provider. He knows what is best for me. He has already laid out my path and now I just have to find it. Whether it is what I have planned or not, I know that whatever happens God will protect and provide.

As I am writing this I am reminded of my favorite verse, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

I only hope that my purpose and call allow me to stay close with my family. During this time, I really feel the need to stay with my family. I am even going home for the summer instead of getting a job in town and renting an apartment like I initially planned. I am not saying this because I feel obligated. I really want to be with my family. I miss them so much and I can tell they wanted me home just as much I want to be home, especially my sister.

I cannot wait to be graduated in December and hopefully fulfill mine and Brianna's plans to move into an apartment together. She and I have been planning ever since I decided to go to graduate school. We decided she would follow me and we would get her in school somewhere. However, I worry if that is asking too much. As much as I want to live with her, I do not want her to miss out on any other opportunities just because she is following me. I also do not want her to feel obligated to attend the school I will or even attend at all if that be the case. School sometimes is not for everyone. I know that even now I am wondering whether or not school was the right decision for me. Especially, since all I really want to do when I graduate is backpack across the world.
But, these are just my thoughts for today. Hopefully they are not too scatterbrained. Thank you for reading.

Worry

Worry has been on my mind a lot lately. Not my own worry, but others.

I tend not to worry very much. I put my worry in prayer and then let it go. Sometimes, I think I do not worry enough. I am a procrastinator and therefore stress out at the last minute. Yet, I still do not worry about it much. I tend to follow my friend Lauren's favorite phrase, "It is what it is" or in my words, "What will be will be."

However, there are many people in my life that let worry consume them. I wish sometimes that I could take on their worry. I wish so much that I could relate and have better advice for them. I do tend to be well skilled in calming them down, but most times their worries are so much that I feel helpless.

Even more, sometimes, I feel totally ignorant, arrogant, and selfish. I tend to think that their worries are meaningless and so simple that they should not worry at all. I think to myself, "Why worry about this?" It seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But then I think, "Well, there are many areas in my life that when I do worry others would see it as simple and just a tiny problem compared to others." I have to remind myself that my problems are not the only ones and others may have even greater problems than me.

So, if you are someone who worries a lot I'd like to leave you with what the Bible says about worry and in honor of national poetry month, a poem I wrote about worry.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 ESV
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Matthew 11:28-30 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Proverbs 12:25 ESV
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Luke 1:37 ESV
For nothing will be impossible with God.”

Matthew 6:25 ESV
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Psalm 55:22 ESV
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 6:33-34 ESV
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.


My poem deals with trust, control, and worry. A few weeks ago we had a girls devo about trusting in God and letting go of our need to control. Especially as women, we tend to have this crazy need to control everything. We learned in the devo that trust is the muzzle to control. Trusting in God silences our selfish control issues. And what is worry if not telling God I can control this? Worry is saying to God I do not trust you enough you to take care of the situation. I can control this and I can take care of the situation myself. Worry is saying you do not need God. But putting your worries in prayer and letting God control the situation is trusting in him. And when you trust in God, he provides and takes care of you. He answers all prayer.

Worry

It hardens the heart
And says to thee
I do not trust.
For what is worry,
If not distrust in you?
But once put in prayer
My burdens are lifted.
I know that you will answer
I know you will provide.
For you are the Savior of man
The Great I Am.
My worries are so tiny
In comparison they are feeble
I put my trust
And need to control
In your able hands
I worry no more
And now I pray
To heal others
To show them they need not fret
That worry is but
Satan's trap
I pray they know
Of your power and might
That you can heal
And take away their fright
I pray to thee
I pray to thee

National Poetry Month

I was going to post a poem daily to celebrate National Poetry Month, but of course due to my great skill in laziness I have not done so. However, I will try in the last bit of the month to post as many poems as I can. The poem for today is one I wrote for my college's literary publication, Images In Ink. The poem is called: Where Are You? I wrote it not too long after my mom's death.

Where Are You?

Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.
Beneath my shirt
Is a mad pounding,
Still and silent to others
But hard in my ear.
My body is shaking.
Your cold perfect face
Lays on a soft pillow.
Flowers atop your legs,
My hand presses
Against your icy fingers
And I place a kiss
On your snowy cheek.
My throat closes,
Yet my chest rises
And falls faster than ever.
I am suffocating,
Drowning in ice water.
This was too sudden.
Like a small town,
Gone in the blink of an eye.
All the things
I wanted to say
But now I cannot
We should have had forever.
Two months late I sit here
Where your name is carved in stone.
I say, "Hello, I miss you. When are you coming home?"
Still fresh in my heart,
The pain tears at me everyday.
I am only pretending in life.
Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.

At My Boiling Point

Anger

Such a powerful word. Such a powerful feeling. This, to me, is probably the most difficult feeling to control.

Ephesians 4:26 reads, Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. I have always had difficulty with this verse. I always wondered how you could be angry and not sin. Is not anger itself a sin? I have a strong feeling I have never followed this advice. In fact, I know I have always sinned when I have been angry. It happens so infrequently that it is even harder for me to control and I always let it out in the wrong way.

Typically, I am not an angry person. However, when I do get angry it is like a ticking time bomb that has finally reached zero. And usually, unfortunately, the anger I exert is put on one person that does not deserve it. I always bury my anger at people inside and when I finally explode it is thrown onto one person, who usually has committed a small "crime" against me. I use quotations because we all know I am more at fault than anyone.

Recently, in the last few weeks, I have come to a better understanding of how I can be angry and sin not, at least in one sense. I had a situation occur that I will not divulge too much information on. Basically, however, I was misinformed about a situation that involved my future. I became very angry at this misinformant, probably the angriest I have been in a long time. I realize in hindsight how I could have handled it without sinning, but first I will tell you how I really handled it.

Thankfully, I did not blow up on the person I was angry at (a step in the right direction). However, I did call my sister and rant and vent to her. I see this as a sin, because even though she has no one to tell and is a third party, it was gossip. I also sought advice from two close friends about the issue. I did all this but did not speak to the person I was angry with.

I believe I could have handled this situation much better and without sin. If I had calmly spoken with the person I was angry with and let them know the problem and discussed it like adults I believe we could have worked something out. However now I feel that the relationship has been chipped at a little bit. There is a lack of trust in both sides and I don't know how to fix it.

Anger is such a difficult area. There is a lot of "muddy water" if you will. Still I wonder how to be angry and not sin. This phrase blows right past my capacity to understand. So, I ask you for any thoughts, comments, or criticisms you may have on the subject. Feel free to discuss freely with me

Any thoughts? I hope your day is filled with light and purpose and you learn something new. :)

Weathered and Torn

Lying in the sunshine
Feeling earth's breath on my face
I take a deep breath
And travel in time and space
To the future so far and wide
No longer anywhere to hide
My world is broken
There's no going back
Deep waters crush my soul
Earthquakes tear and crack
If only I'd known today
I would have wished it away
Yet the weather rips apart
Parts of my soul everyday
Until I can depart,
Until I can see her again,
Together in His domain
I will be ripped and torn apart