Mama

I wrote this back in November, only two months after my mom died. Some feelings have changed but I still miss her everyday and I felt like sharing how I felt then. I still feel these things but not as intensely. I miss her so much, but I keep going because that is what she would have wanted. Here is my writing from November:

I'm sorry I wasn't there is what I think every time her face flashes across my mind. I only know what happened because of the stories daddy told me. She cried out for him he says. She said I'm going to die he told me. I cannot bear the thought of hearing her panic. She was always the strong one. She was the one to comfort us when we were sick. She held me and told me not to panic when I had my attacks. Now, where was I when she was panicking? I was here in Montgomery, conducting, what seems now, a silly meeting. Why wasn't I there for her? Why was I four hours away in her time of need? These are the questions I ask God daily. Why did he take my mother away so quickly and why wasn't I there when he did? 

November 20th marks two months since my mom died, not since she passed away, but since she died. I hate using euphemisms. I find them weak. My mom is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. So, why not say what really happened instead of covering up with pretty, flowery words. I've had people close to me die, but it was expected. They were older and close to death. My mom was only 61. I only had 21 years with her. She'll never get to see me graduate college, get married, or have kids.

Annelle Payne was my rock, in all the ways she could be. She was my shelter. She was my best friend. I told her everything and I mean everything. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about. She never made me feel stupid or even like I had no say in my own life. She let me be me and she loved me. 

Now that's she's gone I am afraid. I'm afraid of going on with my life. It feels like I'm putting on an act with everybody. I say all the right things and do all the right things when deep down I just want to scream. I just want to stop. I mean literally stop. 

Yesterday, I was driving down the road and I actually thought about purposefully running off the road. How crazy is that? Not because I want to die. I just want to feel something, anything. And school? Forget about it. Everything seems meaningless now. Stupid little arguments and who's dating who. Who cares? 

Everyday my heart races at the thought of her. I used to call her every single day at least three times. We would just talk about anything and everything. Mostly, I told her about my day. Now, every time I get a good grade or go out with a friend I want to call her. I want her to know about my day. 

How do you live without your best friend?

With my last semester coming up, I am feeling even more aware of the things she won't be there for. I am trying not to fall back into the anger I felt and hope to keep the understanding I've had these past few months. 

-Brittany