Moving On

After all the sadness and grief, it is the weirdest feeling losing a lost one. It is even more weird when that person goes so suddenly. My mom has been gone for five months. And at least once a day I go to get my phone and call her.

Every day (not an exaggeration) more than once, even more than twice when she was alive I called her. I called just to tell her hey and every little thing that had happened to me that day. This feeling still hasn't gone away. My younger sister, Brianna, had become a sort of replacement to these calls. I call her whenever anything happens. Yet, it is not the same.

Mostly, I have been keeping busy with my life. I haven't stopped to really think. I believe that is why I started this blog. So, that I can have a few minutes a day to reflect and remember.

This past weekend, my family came for jamboree. I had not seen them since Christmas, so it was really great getting to see all of them. My dad, sisters, uncle, brother in law, and niece all came. When my dad said goodbye to me on Sunday, he started to tear up.

It got me thinking a lot about him. I know he must be lonely even though he lives with my uncle and sister and my sister and her family are our neighbors. I understand he wants a "helpmate" again like he had in my mom. So, I have been praying to God this week that he heals my day's loneliness. I pray that my dad can find someone or something in his life, not to replace my mom, but to mend a little but of his broken heart.

I pray for all of my family that they may find someway to heal their hearts over mom's death, especially Brianna. She is so young in my eyes and I hope I can be the same kind of guide and role model to her as my mom was. I hope she can learn from me. And in that case I pray that I become the example of Christ that I am supposed to be. I pray I shine that example to my sister and I can be someone she looks up to and wants to emulate.

I ask that you please join me in these prayers and the steady healing of my family :)

God is...

This is a poem I wrote while at Gulf Coast Getaway this year. The theme for the week was God is, so I wrote on the subject.

Addicted to this torment
Torn and ripped apart
Afraid to say those words
I'm broken and alone
In this darkness He comes
Brighter than the sun
Higher than the clouds
God is...
Taken away from me
Washed away in the waves
Trudging through the water
Trying to get you back
I turn around and see
God is...

God is my savior
Provider dreamer and believer
Rock sword and shield
Merciful masterful all powerful
Dangerous fiery and jealous
God is here!!

Diggin' Up Trash.....I am not a Garbage Collector

Since my junior year in high school I have wanted to be an archaeologist. I have always loved history and traveling. My favorite part was going to museums, battlefields, ancient landmarks, etc. and "seeing" history for myself. It really brings it to life for me. My least favorite part was sitting in a classroom memorizing dates, that to this day I can't remember. So, archaeology seemed like the best option.

The funny part is when I tell most people what I want to be when I "grow up." I see their eyes glaze over and the robotic head movement begin. Some are even honest with me and tell me it just sounds so boring to them. Ha! I laugh and try to explain to them the excitement and thrill in essentially digging up hundred of years old trash. It's all I can do but fall asleep too.

But, I do find a thrill in it. It's so cool (for lack of better term) to touch a pot made by hands centuries ago or read a letter that a soldier in the Civil War wrote to his dear wife. To know and see with your eyes that these people you read about in textbooks are real. To turn 2D into 3D is so eye opening and preferably a better way to learn and explore more of their history.

Now in my senior year of college, I am having my doubts. With my mom gone I am wondering if I need to live so far from home (Greece is where I really want to live). I wonder if financial stability should be an issue, when it use to not. You do not get paid very much for being an archaeologist. I have all these doubts, but at the same time I know this is where I want to be. My mom always told me she would dig ditches to get me where I wanted to be if she had to. So, for myself and my family who supported me, and for all those that told me the negative sides to this future, I am doing it. I graduate in December (hopefully) with a Bachelor of Science in History. Then, it's a semester in field school and two more years getting a Master's in Biblical Archaeology.

So here's to two (or three) more years in school. More importantly, here's to hoping you follow your dreams as well! :)

A little thing called Jamboree and the stress you feel

It is amazing how much stress an eighteen minute show can cause. If you do not know what Jamboree is let me tell you. Every spring semester in March each social club (that's what a Christian university calls their sororities and fraternities) put on a musical of sorts. There is a script, songs, and choreographed movement. This year I am president of my club which is stress of another kind as well. Our club is putting on Snow White this year. We begin practice in January as soon as we come back from Christmas break and practice Monday through Thursday night up until the three shows on Friday and Saturday.

This year may be the best show we've had but also the most stress. As president, I've had to deal with so many complaints and opinions and put up with a lot of drama. I've also had to deal with it in the most Christian like manner. Granted I have failed a few times and I've noticed this and made an apology each time. I hope my girls and my brother can forgive me.

Each year, I try to remember that what is important is not the place we receive at the end, whether first second or third. What matters is getting to know my club and brother club better. What matters most is growing closer with them and hopefully growing in our relationship with Christ. This is a lesson that is very hard to learn during this time, but I am trying. The most trying of all of this is my school work. It always falls to the wayside during these two months. This year is especially difficult when I have a forty page paper, a research paper, multiple quizzes, three or four big papers, and four or more two page papers due each class period in one of my classes. I am getting so stressed. Thankfully this is the last week.

I am really proud of the hard work chi and sigma have put in and when all is said and done I am glad I participated in Jamboree again. This is our best show and I can't wait for everyone to see it!

Poem for the day. Torn Away

As sudden as a storm
Quick as lightning
with the speed of a race car
accelerating from 0 to 60
So fast were you taken from me
Driving that winding highway
never stopping for air
enjoying our time
never knowing it was over
So many nights I sit and wonder
what we could have done differently
You were gone in the "blink of an eye"
Is that what they say?
I'm not sure anymore
Why so little time?
As quick as the leaves fall with the wind
so were you swept away
and the tears still fall day by day

God's Goodness and Your Identity

It has been almost a year since my last post. I tried starting out this blog with my poetry. Yet, this seems to not work out as I planned. Now, I am going to attempt something new. I can't promise a post everyday because I am just not wired that way. I can promise a post every now and then. I want to write my thoughts and share them with you. I also want to express my thoughts in writing so that hopefully I can find a way to get closer to God and find a way to realize my purpose in life.

Last night at our college church group, a friend of mine spoke. He talked to us about the two things in our lives that will be attacked. Those two things were God's goodness and our identities. God's goodness is our history with God. If we do not have a good history with God we will be attacked. It is hard to hear God in crisis. Trent used Isaiah 43:1-5 as illustration. We are PRECIOUS in God's sight. We are VALUABLE to him. We have God and his goodness beside us and with that we can withstand anything.

The second thing Trent spoke of was our identity. Our identity is not who we think we are, not how others see us, but who we are in Christ. It is really easy to place your identity in other things. I know that I place my identity in being a good daughter, a good student, sister, XOX president, and so many other things that do not matter so much when it comes to Christ

If we do not have a good history with God then when these identities are crushed, and they will be, then we will not know where to begin to even pick ourselves up. Right now I am in this situation. I understand that God is with me, but I am having a hard time holding on to that. In September of 2012, I lost my mom at the age of 61. I am only 21. My mom had so much more life to live. Her death was completely unexpected and it has really hit my family hard. My identity in my mom was crushed. She was one of my best friends and I am finding it very difficult to put my trust, faith, and happiness in God right now.

This is why I hope that with this blog I can air out my thoughts, maybe get some feedback, and just dive into the word of God and find his goodness and my identity. I hope to find others in the same situation as me so that we can talk and grow with each other.

I hope that you will join me in this journey. I hope that through reading my blog you may find God's goodness and your identity and let it overwhelm you and give you peace.