Worry has been on my mind a lot lately. Not my own worry, but others.
I tend not to worry very much. I put my worry in prayer and then let it go. Sometimes, I think I do not worry enough. I am a procrastinator and therefore stress out at the last minute. Yet, I still do not worry about it much. I tend to follow my friend Lauren's favorite phrase, "It is what it is" or in my words, "What will be will be."
However, there are many people in my life that let worry consume them. I wish sometimes that I could take on their worry. I wish so much that I could relate and have better advice for them. I do tend to be well skilled in calming them down, but most times their worries are so much that I feel helpless.
Even more, sometimes, I feel totally ignorant, arrogant, and selfish. I tend to think that their worries are meaningless and so simple that they should not worry at all. I think to myself, "Why worry about this?" It seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But then I think, "Well, there are many areas in my life that when I do worry others would see it as simple and just a tiny problem compared to others." I have to remind myself that my problems are not the only ones and others may have even greater problems than me.
So, if you are someone who worries a lot I'd like to leave you with what the Bible says about worry and in honor of national poetry month, a poem I wrote about worry.
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 ESV
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Proverbs 12:25 ESV
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.
Luke 1:37 ESV
For nothing will be impossible with God.”
Matthew 6:25 ESV
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Psalm 55:22 ESV
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Matthew 6:33-34 ESV
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
My poem deals with trust, control, and worry. A few weeks ago we had a girls devo about trusting in God and letting go of our need to control. Especially as women, we tend to have this crazy need to control everything. We learned in the devo that trust is the muzzle to control. Trusting in God silences our selfish control issues. And what is worry if not telling God I can control this? Worry is saying to God I do not trust you enough you to take care of the situation. I can control this and I can take care of the situation myself. Worry is saying you do not need God. But putting your worries in prayer and letting God control the situation is trusting in him. And when you trust in God, he provides and takes care of you. He answers all prayer.
Worry
It hardens the heart
And says to thee
I do not trust.
For what is worry,
If not distrust in you?
But once put in prayer
My burdens are lifted.
I know that you will answer
I know you will provide.
For you are the Savior of man
The Great I Am.
My worries are so tiny
In comparison they are feeble
I put my trust
And need to control
In your able hands
I worry no more
And now I pray
To heal others
To show them they need not fret
That worry is but
Satan's trap
I pray they know
Of your power and might
That you can heal
And take away their fright
I pray to thee
I pray to thee
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
National Poetry Month
I was going to post a poem daily to celebrate National Poetry Month, but of course due to my great skill in laziness I have not done so. However, I will try in the last bit of the month to post as many poems as I can. The poem for today is one I wrote for my college's literary publication, Images In Ink. The poem is called: Where Are You? I wrote it not too long after my mom's death.
Where Are You?
Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.
Beneath my shirt
Is a mad pounding,
Still and silent to others
But hard in my ear.
My body is shaking.
Your cold perfect face
Lays on a soft pillow.
Flowers atop your legs,
My hand presses
Against your icy fingers
And I place a kiss
On your snowy cheek.
My throat closes,
Yet my chest rises
And falls faster than ever.
I am suffocating,
Drowning in ice water.
This was too sudden.
Like a small town,
Gone in the blink of an eye.
All the things
I wanted to say
But now I cannot
We should have had forever.
Two months late I sit here
Where your name is carved in stone.
I say, "Hello, I miss you. When are you coming home?"
Still fresh in my heart,
The pain tears at me everyday.
I am only pretending in life.
Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.
Where Are You?
Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.
Beneath my shirt
Is a mad pounding,
Still and silent to others
But hard in my ear.
My body is shaking.
Your cold perfect face
Lays on a soft pillow.
Flowers atop your legs,
My hand presses
Against your icy fingers
And I place a kiss
On your snowy cheek.
My throat closes,
Yet my chest rises
And falls faster than ever.
I am suffocating,
Drowning in ice water.
This was too sudden.
Like a small town,
Gone in the blink of an eye.
All the things
I wanted to say
But now I cannot
We should have had forever.
Two months late I sit here
Where your name is carved in stone.
I say, "Hello, I miss you. When are you coming home?"
Still fresh in my heart,
The pain tears at me everyday.
I am only pretending in life.
Wet against my cheek,
A waterfall collides
With rough untouched skin.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
At My Boiling Point
Anger
Such a powerful word. Such a powerful feeling. This, to me, is probably the most difficult feeling to control.
Ephesians 4:26 reads, Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. I have always had difficulty with this verse. I always wondered how you could be angry and not sin. Is not anger itself a sin? I have a strong feeling I have never followed this advice. In fact, I know I have always sinned when I have been angry. It happens so infrequently that it is even harder for me to control and I always let it out in the wrong way.
Typically, I am not an angry person. However, when I do get angry it is like a ticking time bomb that has finally reached zero. And usually, unfortunately, the anger I exert is put on one person that does not deserve it. I always bury my anger at people inside and when I finally explode it is thrown onto one person, who usually has committed a small "crime" against me. I use quotations because we all know I am more at fault than anyone.
Recently, in the last few weeks, I have come to a better understanding of how I can be angry and sin not, at least in one sense. I had a situation occur that I will not divulge too much information on. Basically, however, I was misinformed about a situation that involved my future. I became very angry at this misinformant, probably the angriest I have been in a long time. I realize in hindsight how I could have handled it without sinning, but first I will tell you how I really handled it.
Thankfully, I did not blow up on the person I was angry at (a step in the right direction). However, I did call my sister and rant and vent to her. I see this as a sin, because even though she has no one to tell and is a third party, it was gossip. I also sought advice from two close friends about the issue. I did all this but did not speak to the person I was angry with.
I believe I could have handled this situation much better and without sin. If I had calmly spoken with the person I was angry with and let them know the problem and discussed it like adults I believe we could have worked something out. However now I feel that the relationship has been chipped at a little bit. There is a lack of trust in both sides and I don't know how to fix it.
Anger is such a difficult area. There is a lot of "muddy water" if you will. Still I wonder how to be angry and not sin. This phrase blows right past my capacity to understand. So, I ask you for any thoughts, comments, or criticisms you may have on the subject. Feel free to discuss freely with me
Any thoughts? I hope your day is filled with light and purpose and you learn something new. :)
Such a powerful word. Such a powerful feeling. This, to me, is probably the most difficult feeling to control.
Ephesians 4:26 reads, Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. I have always had difficulty with this verse. I always wondered how you could be angry and not sin. Is not anger itself a sin? I have a strong feeling I have never followed this advice. In fact, I know I have always sinned when I have been angry. It happens so infrequently that it is even harder for me to control and I always let it out in the wrong way.
Typically, I am not an angry person. However, when I do get angry it is like a ticking time bomb that has finally reached zero. And usually, unfortunately, the anger I exert is put on one person that does not deserve it. I always bury my anger at people inside and when I finally explode it is thrown onto one person, who usually has committed a small "crime" against me. I use quotations because we all know I am more at fault than anyone.
Recently, in the last few weeks, I have come to a better understanding of how I can be angry and sin not, at least in one sense. I had a situation occur that I will not divulge too much information on. Basically, however, I was misinformed about a situation that involved my future. I became very angry at this misinformant, probably the angriest I have been in a long time. I realize in hindsight how I could have handled it without sinning, but first I will tell you how I really handled it.
Thankfully, I did not blow up on the person I was angry at (a step in the right direction). However, I did call my sister and rant and vent to her. I see this as a sin, because even though she has no one to tell and is a third party, it was gossip. I also sought advice from two close friends about the issue. I did all this but did not speak to the person I was angry with.
I believe I could have handled this situation much better and without sin. If I had calmly spoken with the person I was angry with and let them know the problem and discussed it like adults I believe we could have worked something out. However now I feel that the relationship has been chipped at a little bit. There is a lack of trust in both sides and I don't know how to fix it.
Anger is such a difficult area. There is a lot of "muddy water" if you will. Still I wonder how to be angry and not sin. This phrase blows right past my capacity to understand. So, I ask you for any thoughts, comments, or criticisms you may have on the subject. Feel free to discuss freely with me
Any thoughts? I hope your day is filled with light and purpose and you learn something new. :)
Monday, April 1, 2013
Weathered and Torn
Lying in the sunshine
Feeling earth's breath on my face
I take a deep breath
And travel in time and space
To the future so far and wide
No longer anywhere to hide
My world is broken
There's no going back
Deep waters crush my soul
Earthquakes tear and crack
If only I'd known today
I would have wished it away
Yet the weather rips apart
Parts of my soul everyday
Until I can depart,
Until I can see her again,
Together in His domain
I will be ripped and torn apart
Feeling earth's breath on my face
I take a deep breath
And travel in time and space
To the future so far and wide
No longer anywhere to hide
My world is broken
There's no going back
Deep waters crush my soul
Earthquakes tear and crack
If only I'd known today
I would have wished it away
Yet the weather rips apart
Parts of my soul everyday
Until I can depart,
Until I can see her again,
Together in His domain
I will be ripped and torn apart
Dreaming away and afraid to wake up
So, dreams of my mom have been creeping back in and I'd thought I'd share past and present ones. First, you need to know all my dreams seem to follow some kind of chronological timeline of sorts. And since I'm just now writing them down the details are a little blurry. Secondly, be aware these are very strange dreams sometimes.
The first involved my mom and her death. We had buried her, but two days later she was alive in our kitchen ( I think it was the kitchen). She explained that she hadn't been dead. The hospital was mistaken and we had actually buried her alive. We planned to sue the hospital.
My next dream followed a Grey's Anatomy episode I had just seen. In the episode one of the main characters was dying and basically unresponsive. That is until he had what is called a "surge". It is where, in the last hour or so of your life, you are alert, feeling good, excited, etc. but then you eventually crash and die. This time my mom was in the hospital having hear attack or whatever it was that killed her and she had a surge. She was fine for so long but then I woke up and knew she was gone. Also, I find this dream strange, because unlike the rest of my family, I was never at the hospital with her. I was 180 miles away at college.
A few dreams here and there have been ordinary daydreams of her. In them she is still alive and we are doing normal everyday things with her. Ultimately my subconscious realizes this isn't right and she is dead and I wake up.
The most recent dream I have had was about four or five days ago. My sister had just sent me a picture of the tombstone that had finally come in. In the dream my mom, me, and the family were again doing normal everyday things ( I think a picnic like we used to on road trips) when all of a sudden we were looking at her tombstone. This dream followed along with the first one; she had been buried alive for two days. It was months later and the tombstone had come in ( we had forgotten to cancel it). I was asking my mom what do we do now? What do we do about the death date? Can we mark it out or send it back? How do we fix this? I never got an answer because I woke up.
The most these dreams have in common is the fact that I never like waking up from them. I love those few moments I get to see her face. I never want to wake up because I know when I do she won't be there.
I try to find some sort of meaning in the dreams. I understand most don't believe in things like this or ghosts and spirits, etc. Actually, I'm not even sure I do. But, my mom always seemed to have an affinity for it and I want to believe that these dreams are her way of talking to me or keeping her face fresh in my memory.
All I know for certain is these dreams are bittersweet, and I can not seem what to make of them.
The first involved my mom and her death. We had buried her, but two days later she was alive in our kitchen ( I think it was the kitchen). She explained that she hadn't been dead. The hospital was mistaken and we had actually buried her alive. We planned to sue the hospital.
My next dream followed a Grey's Anatomy episode I had just seen. In the episode one of the main characters was dying and basically unresponsive. That is until he had what is called a "surge". It is where, in the last hour or so of your life, you are alert, feeling good, excited, etc. but then you eventually crash and die. This time my mom was in the hospital having hear attack or whatever it was that killed her and she had a surge. She was fine for so long but then I woke up and knew she was gone. Also, I find this dream strange, because unlike the rest of my family, I was never at the hospital with her. I was 180 miles away at college.
A few dreams here and there have been ordinary daydreams of her. In them she is still alive and we are doing normal everyday things with her. Ultimately my subconscious realizes this isn't right and she is dead and I wake up.
The most recent dream I have had was about four or five days ago. My sister had just sent me a picture of the tombstone that had finally come in. In the dream my mom, me, and the family were again doing normal everyday things ( I think a picnic like we used to on road trips) when all of a sudden we were looking at her tombstone. This dream followed along with the first one; she had been buried alive for two days. It was months later and the tombstone had come in ( we had forgotten to cancel it). I was asking my mom what do we do now? What do we do about the death date? Can we mark it out or send it back? How do we fix this? I never got an answer because I woke up.
The most these dreams have in common is the fact that I never like waking up from them. I love those few moments I get to see her face. I never want to wake up because I know when I do she won't be there.
I try to find some sort of meaning in the dreams. I understand most don't believe in things like this or ghosts and spirits, etc. Actually, I'm not even sure I do. But, my mom always seemed to have an affinity for it and I want to believe that these dreams are her way of talking to me or keeping her face fresh in my memory.
All I know for certain is these dreams are bittersweet, and I can not seem what to make of them.
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